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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

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All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

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There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

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The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

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Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

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The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

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One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

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I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

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UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

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Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

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There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

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The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

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An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

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I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

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Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

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A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.