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You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

The truth is more important than the facts.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

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Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I am not young enough to know everything.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

This domain seems to get a good ammount of visitors. How do you promote it? It gives a nice individual spin on things. I guess having something real or substantial to post about is the most important thing.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

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If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

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Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

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University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

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If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

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The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

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I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.